Monday, December 7, 2015

| reality |

I have anxiety. 

I have  compulsive thoughts and they get so bad that I can’t complete tasks. I have a fear of not ‘being good enough’. 

I don’t even know what or how ‘being good enough’ looks like - what’s the standard? I have no idea but I go through hell everyday trying to reach that blurred line. 

Doing anything from washing the dishes to completing an university essay begins and end the same way. In utter and complete anxiety of failure. 

Am I scared of failing? Maybe. I am scared of not doing what I should be doing. And what I should be doing are things that other people seem appropriate and rightful for me to do. I don’t want to let them down. So is it okay to let myself down?

I don’t want to be anxious. I don’t want to create scenarios that have failed endings because that’s how I think it’ll end. 

I would like to enjoy living in the moment. Not thinking about the dishes in the sink back at home. 

Oh but everyone has dishes and laundry and shit. Why am I whining? I don’t know. I would love to experience the joy of the detergent running down my wrinkled fingers but I can’t. Instead I am stressing that the plate is going to fall and break into a million pieces and I’ll fail at washing dishes. 

Does it ruin things? Yes. Anxiety makes every aspect of my life hurt like I’m swallowing stones.  
Everyday conversations drift into a collision of ‘what if’s’ and ‘it won’t work out’. 

I come up with reasons to leave people in my life because I can’t keep up with everyone. I don’t want to come off as rude or simply a bitch. But I do. Because my mind sometimes just isn’t mine. 

It hurts. 

Maybe I want to prove to myself that I’m okay. And sometimes I know that I’m okay and that everything may just turn out fine. But mostly I feel like someone is tossing heavy clouds filled with rain and sadness, assuming that I’ll be able to hold the burden. But I can’t. Sometimes the clouds tip over and I can’t run after them. 

I talk myself out it. “It’s fine. Nothing important, everyone has anxiety. You’re just over exaggerating”. Then I go to sleep. But I can’t sleep because I’m worried that my alarm won’t work so I toss and turn and cry inside because I am so tired.  

Don’t be sad. Be positive. Everyone say’s that this is life and it’s normal what I feel. If it’s so normal, how come I feel like a stranger in my own skin? 

I could romanticize the whole thing and write it out like a Twilight story. I could say it's a wonderful feeling to wake up with a headache and stress from nothing but the truth is it's nothing but horrible

Anxiety heightens my emotions. I feel more. More sad, more depressed, more stressed. 

Though going in and out of depression for the last three years and having constant anxiety has made me a deeper person. 

I stare into darkness and think about worst case scenarios. So much so I should get paid for it as a full time job. 

And when the day ends and I make it into bed after all the worrying and stressing over I come to a realisation. I am an army of one. A stressed, anxious, overzealous solider in my own army trying to fight the war of living life as a ‘normal’ person. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

| Mecca Maxima Haul - Hourglass, Urban Decay, Stila, etc |

Mecca Maxima launched their holiday collection and I ran in the next day to pick up some beauties that I deemed essential to my life (I have a poor sense of judgment sometimes...)  
I strolled in the shop one fine day, completely oblivious of the damage that would incur to my bank account.

Last year, Hourglass came out with their Ambient Lighting Blush Palette but I never got my hands on it. There were moments of regret throughout the year, since the blushes are super luminous and soft - they would have been beautiful for my wedding. So, having remorse over my loss, I decided to pick up with whatever Hourglass came out with this year for the holiday season - and I am so glad I did. 

Hourglass Ambient Lighting Edit Palette (AUD $117) is a very limited edition collection that consist's of three Ambient Lighting Powder's - Dim Light, Diffused Light, and an exclusive Iridescent Light, two of the Ambient Lighting Blushes - Luminous Flash and Mood Exposure, and the Ambient Lighting Bronzer - Luminous Bronze Light. So basically if you ever get stranded on a island - you're good to go #priorities. The palette looks and feels like $100 bucks (maybe because it is?...). It's rose gold and has a very generous mirror. The products themselves are small in size - think of an Australian 50 cent coin- and there has been many criticisms regarding the size. Some are saying that there should be more product as the price is so hefty but some people (like me) think that the size if actually quite reasonable. The reason I say this is because it's kind of a tester - you get six beautiful shades to try out and then when you fall absolutely in love - you can confidently invest the dollars to get a full size product you know you won't regret. And then again, it is a holiday palette so I wouldn't be expecting anything else as this is a great, convenient gift. 

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara (AUD $ 33) is hands down my holy grail mascara! I cannot fathom how amazing this mascara is and I don't mind paying the big bucks because this is worth every cent. If you like a dry formula, and big lashes this mascara is up your alleyway. Application and amazing, the brush is super soft and your lashes dry in seconds. What more could you ask for? 
(If you don't want to buy a full size - Mecca is doing a mini deluxe size for the holiday season and it's half the price! You're welcome) 

Urban Decay Naked Skin Weightless Complete Coverage Concealer (AUD $42) was something I threw in my basket unknowing of it's power. Wow. This concealer is super blendable and the color selection is worth a standing ovation. The price however deserves a Simon Cowell disapproving shake of the head - $44 for a concealer is outrageous. I would recommend this if you a) have terrible eye bags that need 911 attention or b) you're treating yourself to something nice. 
A nice "dupe" would be Inglot's Under Eye Concealer which was what I used before buying this and I loved it. The only thing that I didn't like was the tube but Urban Decay's packaging is #onpoint

Stila Stay All Day Liquid Eyeliner (AUD $29) is a product that I could have gone without. I know the hype behind this but I wasn't impressed...maybe it's because I still love my Inglot liquid eyeliner? But this product isn't anything magical that needs to be bought ASAP. Save yourself from the drama. 

Mecca Cosmetica Sun Kissed (AUD $25) is a another limited edition that is by Mecca itself. It has two travel size products - Save The Face SPF 30 and Lip de-Luscious SPF 25. Both products are a handy size to throw into your bag or to simply try out. I adore them both very much! The moisturiser can also be used as a primer and the consistency of it reminds me of the Hourglass Veil Primer which I love but always forget to use. And the lip balm is a "dupe" for the By Terry Baume de Rose SPF 15 which costs triple the price. 
I highly recommend this as a "end of the week - I survived" gift for yourself #treatyourself

You've reached the end of my very long receipt which I have hidden in my draw away from anyone's eyes! 
What have you bought recently? 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

| aléatoire |

I like to think that I'm somewhat good at photography. I enjoy taking pictures when I'm walking across a busy street (the above picture is an example of life-risking photography...) and I also enjoy looking at good pictures. Where am I going with this rant? Lord knows.
At the moment I am sitting in a lecture at university and I feel like a total bad ass, typing away. How criminal. 

I don't know what this post is about. I don't know what to type or what to tell. Though not much has happened...I have The Husband here in Australia now which is great and I've started Uni which is slowly killing me. Blogging after so many days does create 'writer's block' but I'm still going to post something because I am not dead and I am very much willing to write...

...but what to write? That kinda kills me. I suppose all my creativity is going into Uni essays and Instagram but nevertheless, I adore this platform that is mine and I will return but with no promises. 

Until I find something worth writing for, here are a few 'updates':

- I am still mourning over Matt Smith's departure - Capaldi isn't doing it for me
- I finally went to Sephora in Sydney. It was absolutely horrible.
-  I have four essays to do. Yay.
- The weather in Sydney is bipolar.
- I am still sitting in my lecture. 

Please don't assume that this blog isn't important - it is. I would very much like to present good content, not random things, hence the long periods between each post.

Hang in there,

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Daily bag / travel essentials

University life begins in a couple of weeks and am feel like an excited five year old child! I'm actually quite pumped for lectures and assessments (which may last like, five minutes). 
At this moment, I have zero uni advice but I do have a few pieces of advice for your bag and travel (from uni to home!)

My university bag/travel essentials kind of also double for my daily essentials! 

1.  my planner - I don't plan a lot, mainly because I don't have much to plan but I feel more like "I'm super organised and awesome" because I have a planner in my bag.
The planner itself is from Typo but I collaged it, as you do. 

2. headphone - headphones are a must, especially if you use public transport. A lot of travelling is involved on a daily basis & I tend to get lethargic after a while, so my keeping my headphones on, I feel a bit more comfortable and it makes the journey go faster. 

3. pencil case - I adore fun, colourful pens and I always keep them on hand for random ideas or doodles. 

4. a mac lipstick - need I say more? I always keep a lipstick at hand and nowadays since I'm crazy in love with mac lipsticks, I always have one swimming in my bag. This one is 
"twig" = <3!

things not pictured:

5. snacks - this one is a legit need. I recommend to have savoury snacks rather than sweets because that just makes you feel even more like vomiting if you have long journeys. 

6. a book - even if you don't read on a daily basis, a book at hand makes the journey seem a bit more doable.  

What are your essentials?

Items pictured:
- Macbook Air
- Target Headphones $8
- Typo Pencil Case $14.99
- Typo Planner $19.99
- MAC Twig $36
- Betts Tao Shoes $59.99

Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Black Box - MAC Matt Lipstick "Diva" | Review

Some wear "Velvet Teddy", however I am obsessed with "Diva". Obsessed. 

A true dark red that stains the lips and makes them look super vampy. I adore dark lips and this lipstick was worth the pennies. 
I think I am now in love with MAC lipsticks - everything from their packaging to the formula is perfection - I can see my collection growing.

The lipstick in question is a matt formula and goes on a bit patchy so you have to work on it to get it just right, it does stain the skin around your lips so be aware and keep some wipes handy.

The shade isn't berry nor is it brick red. It's a deep maroon with a brownish red undertone. 
It's love.

The lipstick lasts up to 3-4 hours without drinking or eating, but you'll have to do the random touch ups as it is a dark color and will flake off. I recommend to exfoliate the lips beforehand. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Everyday's Makeup Mess!

I am a minimilist in everything I do - even when it comes to makeup. My everyday makeup consists of basically winger liner and dark lips.

The products that I have been loving lately and have been using everyday are:

Neutrogena's Ultra Sheer Face Sunscreen
I never used to use sunscreen but my Mum bought this and I stole it from her room and have been using it ever since. It applies creamy then dries matt - no greasy sunscreen face anymore! This stuff is amazing!
I use this before applying anything else and it actually works well as a primer as the formula is so thick. 

Lush's Lip Scrub in Mint Julep $10
I've heard so much about the Bubblegum lip scrub from Lush and thought I'd give it a whirl but when I smelt this one I decided to grab it and eat it. It's amazing and smells just like Extra'a Mint Chocolate bubblegum.
I use this to exfoliate my lips before applying a dark lip. It works within seconds and makes your lips all smooth and primed!

Inglot Liquid Eyeliner in Black $22
Love this eyeliner! I bought this on a whim and it is one of the best eyeliners! Super pigmented, glides on and dries matt.
I do a wing liner start after applying the sunscreen. I don't use foundation or anything like that on a daily base. It's straight to the eyeliner for me.

Essence's Plump No Clump Mascara in Black $5
Five dollars for one of the best mascara's I've used in a while. It's lengthens like crazy and curls the lashes really well. However, there is little volume. 
I apple mascara to my upper and lower lashes after doing a winged liner. I don't line my water liner or tightline that much either on a daily basis. 

Inglot Under Eye Concealer $22  
Light and blend-able this concealer ticks a lot of the "perfect concealer" boxes. I do enjoy this product quite a lot. But when this does run out - which seems soon, I will be trying to get my hands on the Urban Decay one that seems the rage nowadays.
I dap this under my eyes and blend away with my fingers, ain't nobody got time for a brush!

Milani's Baked Blush in Luminoso
I've talked about this blush before and the love still stands strong! It's an amazing blush and I still have not hit pan even though I use it so often!
Using the blush brush from Real Techniques, I dab the blush.

MAC's Lipstick in Diva $36
This lipstick is bae. It is the reason I wake up in the morning (lame?) and it was worth every single cent. Though it's a matt and dark shade, it glides on effortlessly and has good longevity. The shade is amazing and ugh - it's love.
I don't use I liner (maybe I should?) and just use the lipstick from the bullet. This lipstick makes the look (if you would call it that) seem richer and much more's perfection. 

So that's what I've been doing lately - what about you? 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

It's all about the love

Walking into holy matrimony at the young age of nineteen, I had my fair share of doubts and misunderstandings. I had this fantasy of no less than a hybrid Mr. Darcy and Hugh Grant. The world of social media made me presume that my marriage would be full of selfies and hashtags. But it’s not like that.

It’s so much better.

 The big day came and went in the blink of an eye and now six months later there is so much that I have learnt.

1.     It’s difficult. It’s not easy to live with someone you hardly know. But with extra time and extra patience, it get’s a whole lot better. You become each other’s best friends and everything becomes easier when you have that one person to talk to about anything and everything.
2.     Never assume! Assumptions are the death of happiness. Don’t assume that he isn’t trying or that he doesn’t care. Every man is different and his perception of love is different as well. I assure you, give them time and they will prove to be a soppier romantic than you and they may even surprise you with loving gestures.
3.     Don’t rush things. You have your whole life together so take it easy. Enjoy the little moments together. 
4.     Be generous with words and gestures. Say “thank you”, “I’m sorry” or even “I love you” without hesitation. Spontaneous bursts of love are always confidence boosters.
5.     Create something that only you two know, or a game that only you two know how to play. Create something unique just for the both of you.
6.     Be each other’s support. This is the most important. Text messages and emails can always bring out other meanings rather than what we wish to portray – so don’t be irrational and judge, instead take a deep breath and support each other’s flaws and perfections.

In the end, when the whole world seems like a lonely place, your spouse will always be there. He or she is “your person” so, fight for them and always appreciate them.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Rock Bottom | What if's at 2 AM

I wonder how many doors need to shut in one’s face for a happy ever after?

Well far too many doors for me.

It’s a complete loss of self-esteem and confidence when you’ve applied for over, well let’s say, ten jobs and haven’t received a single callback.  It’s honestly the worst thing to pop your balloon. I feel like the poop emoji right now. It feels like I was ten steps forward to only fall ten steps back.

It’s just become this situation in life where just one win would be really nice.

It’s so frustrating to not be able to do anything and to feel this helpless. It’s a terrible feeling.

The world is a huge place with infinite possibilities, so does it seem like such a lonely and hopeless place for me?

This is so much I want to do and see but it’s not happening. I feel stuck. Nay. I am stuck. And to tell you the truth, I’d rather be peeling onions then to be feeling like this.

The world is moving on without me and I feel like stopping it and telling it to slow down and maybe wait for me. I want to move with it not behind it.

When did I stop believing in the magic of the world and start believing the stark reality of rent bills and grocery lists? Isn’t there a pause button? I’d really like one please.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Mini Haul | Mecca Maxima, Target & Typo

Shopping is a weakness - I can't help myself so even though I know I'm on a spending ban, I still end up picking up some small bits and bobs...oops.

Typo Two Tone Pencil Case in Black and Gold          AUD $ 14.99

I picked this up online from Cotton On. It's black and gold and is just the right size for a pencil case or a make up plus it matches the new bag I bought from Sportsgirl.  
Typo as really good quality items worth the money. I love their quirky style and their limited collections are also worth the wait.  
Cotton On's delivery is also pretty good. They deliver within three days which is great!

Molli&Mimi for Target Pencil Pack         AUD $3.00

Can we just...
I can't even describe how adorable these pencils are! They have statements of the side of them and are very Kate Spade-y. I'm totally ready for university now!  

Soap & Glory's The Righteous Butter AUD $5.00 & Clean On Me AUD $5.00 Travel Mini's

As I am on a self proclaimed spending ban I decided to pick up these mini beauties from Mecca Maxima. I was in need of a body butter because the weather in Sydney is dry and well, itchy, so if this passes the test - I shall purchase the bigger size.

Thus ends my mini haul. What have you picked up lately?

instagram @hrhkulsoomhussainn

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Hello (again) !

It has been a long time, no see kinda situation! But I am back and with a new blog layout and a new and extremely stern attitude towards the blog. 

This blog means a lot t me but life got in the way...but I'm back and happy to be back.

1. It's nearly been six months of being married to this man that I, time flies.
2. I am now in Australia (again) and here for good. Le hubby isn't here yet but no worries, he will be and then apartment tour all the way!
3. I got into University - finally!
4. And life is pretty good (:
5. ...and this blog will also become pretty good!

Thank you sticking around if you have and welcome if you're new!

Lot's of love,